Home Adventures With Tip and Oh Is So Retarded Its Funny
[repeated line]
Cooper: This isn't where I parked my car.
Scott: I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
Cooper: Oh, hither information technology is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, hither'southward a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!
Hooligan: So I tell the swamp donkey to sock information technology before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's archway and have her lick me yarbles!
[laughs]
Cooper: Wow. You guys are on like a completely different level of swearing over here.
Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
Truck Driver: Howdy!
Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can sympathize on you if the speaking is slowly.
Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for xiv hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
Cooper: What did he say?
Scott: He said he's driving, something...
Scott: [in German] Exercise yous know where is Berlin?
Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Aye, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. Only I am going nowhere near Berlin.
Scott: Berlin!
Truck Driver: [in German language] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
Scott: He'southward going to Berlin.
Jamie: Crawly.
Truck Commuter: [in German] Nowhere virtually Berlin.
Scott: All right, come on, let'south go.
[the grouping arrive the dorsum of the truck]
Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
Cooper: I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the railroad train gets here.
Jenny: It says here this town has a famous nude beach.
Cooper: Alright, await, we can't all merely lie effectually all day, we've got to leave at that place and experience the culture showtime hand!
[unrated DVD version]
[excerpts seen during original version credits]
Hostel Clerk: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and near luxurious youth hostel. Nosotros feature i medium sized room containing lxx beds which can slumber up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bath. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. Yous can as well effort hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course non all thieves. One time y'all are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They volition not be opened once more until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will exist incinerated along with the valuables that you take hidden in your anus. Tips are profoundly appreciated.
Waiter: [Scottie tosses the waiter a nickel] Ah! A nickel!
[waiter shows his manager]
Waiter: You see this?
[slaps the manager]
Waiter: I quit. I open my ain hotel.
[after taking a drink of Absinthe]
Jamie: I gotta say, I'chiliad not feeling anything.
Cooper: Me neither.
Scott: Sober as a judge.
[to a hallucinatory green fairy]
Scott: How about you?
Dark-green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!
[repeated line]
Cooper: You guys are the worst twins e'er.
Robot Man: [in French] Ow! My robot assurance! Error! Error! Mistake!
[Creepy Italian Guy massages Jamie'southward shoulders]
Jamie: What-what the hell are you doing?
Creepy Italian Guy: Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.
[massages harder]
Scott: A dollar and 83 cents American. What are we gonna get with that?
[cutting to a lavish Slovak hotel]
Scott: Gotta dearest that commutation rate!
Cooper: Hello Mr. Walters... I come across... fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand... cheerio, sir.
Scott: They had to grab you eventually.
Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.
Scott: Shut up!
Cooper: I got his function and a raise!
Cooper: This is DEFINITELY where I parked my car.
Cooper: Y'all know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and merits my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
Scott: You've really thaught a lot about this, oasis't you?
Cooper: Information technology'southward my passion!
Scott: I'm in honey with my pen pal! I'k in love with Mike!
Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come up out to commencement. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
Scott: No, you lot idiot, Mike is a daughter!
Cooper: No, no, no, I get information technology, yeah. He's the daughter, you lot're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Correct, right? That's hot. Only, you lot know, whatsoever works for you. I'm non gonna judge it.
Scott: [after being told they can get a flight to London] Annihilation else?
Cooper: Europe is like the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.
Scott: Cooper, England's an island.
Cooper: OK, swim, whatever. Nosotros'll take it.
Madame Vandersexxx: [Screams] On, on, VANDERSEXXX!
[the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix]
Madame Vandersexxx: Hans, Gruber!
[Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room]
Cooper: [nervously] Hi. Then, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx: Administrate the testicle clamps!
Cooper: [grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off] Huh? What? Hey!
[the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches]
Cooper: [panics as he pulls out the paper with the "condom discussion", only mispronounces it] Rubber word! What is that? That'southward not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?
[outtake during credits]
Mad Maynard: Fuck off! Get out of it, y'all wankers! Go on, you lot Gallic fucking garlic-breath tossers! Piss off! Go far hither and say that, mate! Come on! Fucking come and accept it! You fucking beep? We'll beep, yous bastard, all over your fucking nose! Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you lot pricks! Go along out of it! Fuck off! I'm knackered.
Cooper: [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Howdy Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm downwardly in file storage. Oh, merely hang on one second.
[lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone dorsum to ear]
Cooper: No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't residuum until I find it.
[hangs up]
Scott: You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the state?
Cooper: They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.
[Scott's e-postal service warning audio]
Computer voice: Mail service, mothafucka!
Cooper: All right. Stay black, Bert.
Swiss Guard: [thinking Cooper is retarded] Accept a very special twenty-four hours for a very special trivial human!
[winks]
Mad Maynard: If yous're Manchester United supporters, sing the Manchester United song.
Scott: Excuse me? I'thousand sorry. I'thousand not much of a vocalizer...
Mad Maynard: [slams a beer bottle on the floor] Sing!
Scott: [sings] My baby takes the mornin' train. / He works from nine to five and then / he takes another home again to find me... watching the Manchester United Football Squad! Ah? The all-time freakin' team in all the land! Woo hoo!
Jenny: Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.
Scott: Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.
Cooper: This is merely so cruel, and yet I can't await away.
Scott: I told her to keep her easily off my genitals.
Cooper: Well given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want
Mieke: I'g so sad and lonely. I merely wish... someone would show upward and sweep me off my German anxiety.
Cooper: Can we please only get out of here, this guy'due south actually creeping me out.
Scott: Who, robot homo? He'due south simply trying to feed his robot family unit.
Cooper: Hey, I really don't like him.
Scott: Why, just because he's doing this?
[starts acting similar a robot making robot noises]
Cooper: Seriously, don't do that.
Scott: [in a robot voice] Cooper, practice non hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...
[Robot noises]
Scott: Freaky.
Pope: [seeing the "New Pope" on TV] What de hell?
Tibor: Savour Bratislava. Information technology's good you came in summertime, in winter information technology tin get very depressing.
Scott: Which way did they go?
Cooper: [pointing] That style. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Scott: Skillful plenty for me.
[goes the other mode]
Cooper: What's the etiquette on boners? Do I office over and dig out a hole for it, or is it absurd to just let my flag fly?
Scott: What happened to you last nighttime?
Jamie: I got robbed! Information technology was awesome.
Scott: Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
Cooper: [singing] Oh nosotros don't need no water, let the female parent-...
Scott: I'one thousand non kidding! Look!
Jamie: [pulls out Frommer'southward guide book] And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!
Scott: You brought a guide book to a party?
Jamie: You lot wanna run into my itinerary?
Cooper: You wanna see my balls?
Cooper: At that place'south got to be a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with every one of them!
Jenny: Hello. Mixed company?
Cooper: What?
Jenny: I'm a girl.
Scott: No, you're not.
Cooper: Yes, you're but a absurd guy with long pilus.
Cooper: You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German language class.
Scott: Yes, it was at start, but you know, nosotros're actually becoming pretty practiced friends. He's a really absurd guy.
[starts to type]
Scott: Dearest Mike, greetings from your American pen pal.
Cooper: Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all correct? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you lot know he's gonna want to adjust a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and brand a wind chime out of your genitals.
Jamie: [to the tour group] This is so strange! Usually, they wait 15 days to elect a new Pope. We could exist seeing history in the making.
Jenny: [to herself] We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
Madame Vandersexxx: Welcome to Guild Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's about erotic club. Where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Cooper: As well, says I get a free t-shirt with the flyer.
Madame Vandersexxx: He is American. How pitiful for you to grow upwards in a country that was founded by prudes. A country over run with offense and illiteracy. A country where a human being is forced to make sex activity to merely one adult female at a time and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
Cooper: It was horrible.
Madame Vandersexxx: I know, but yous can come up with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.
Mad Maynard: Look given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should take a seat at the tabular array. Except those fucking Ities, I hate them Italian bastards, know what I mean.
Scott: Excuse me.
Mad Maynard: Hullo boyo.
Scott: So what the hell happened final dark?
Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son. Don't worry I come up and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.
Mad Maynard: Oi! This is a private members bar, exclusively for supporters of the greatest football game squad in the world, Manchester United, now please. Enlighten me.
[shouting]
Mad Maynard: Who the fuck are you?
Scott: Um... we're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio.
[Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from concluding night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to meet both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and likewise humiliated from the incident at a bakery]
Scott: What did you do last night?
Cooper: I don't wanna talk nigh it. What did you guys do?
Scott,Jenny: Don't wanna talk about it.
Scott: [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?
Cooper: Gratuitous t-shirt.
Cooper: [jumps into the hot tub with Processed in it] Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!
Candy: Cooper Harris, yous're a pig!
[starts getting out]
Cooper: Await, Candy. Earlier you go, you might desire to clean that off.
Processed: Make clean what off?
Cooper: Information technology'southward similar clay or something. Go like this.
[shows her how to rub her breast]
Cooper: No, just cut it under. To the side, and nether.
Candy: Is it off?
Cooper: No. I think your top is getting in the way.
Candy: Really?
Cooper: Trust me.
[Candy takes off her top]
Cooper: That'south better. But keep rubbing it!
[she rubs]
Cooper: No, it'southward just not coming off.
Candy: [looks at her chest] Well, what is it?
Cooper: Oh, I'll do it. Come up hither.
[Cooper starts reaching for Candy'due south breasts]
Missy: [walks in with iii jocks] Oh my God, Processed!
Candy: [covers herself] Cooper!
Cooper: [looks at the jocks] Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.
Scott: Why are you lot wearing my bathrobe?
Bert: Oh, I'm sorry, just somebody *pissed* all over mine concluding night!
Mieke: Let us make dear for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.
Scott: Ok!
Cooper: Jenny, that outfit is terrible! Take it off, now!
Cooper: Check this out! I'm the Pope!
Scott: Cooper, take off the Pope hat!
Cooper: Oh no, information technology's okay, I'chiliad Catholic.
Scott: What practice y'all hateful you lot're dumping me?
Fiona: Scott, I just can't take all the lying and adulterous on each other anymore.
Scott: What are you lot talking well-nigh? Sweetie, I never cheated on yous!
Fiona: I know. That's what makes this so hard.
Cooper: Evidence her the movie. She makes every girl in our high school look like a walrus.
Jenny: I'1000 a girl from your high school.
Cooper: No, I mean *girl* girls.
Cooper: What the hell is that?
Jamie: It'due south a traveler'south money belt. Frommer'southward says as long as you accept one of these, no-one can rob you of annihilation.
Scott: Except your dignity.
Jamie: No, yous simply put that in your... wait, what?
Scott: Hey, thank you for coming with me. I know y'all had that internship at the constabulary firm this summertime.
Cooper: Oh, forget about the police force house. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a one time in a life-fourth dimension opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
Scott: What are y'all talking about?
Cooper: I'grand talking almost crazy European sexual practice.
Scott: Ah.
Cooper: There's your R rating correct there.
Tibor: We just get Miami Wice on telly. Miami Wice is number one new show.
Mad Maynard: I've only most had enough of you fuckin' ities!
Vatican Baby-sit: But I am Swiss!
Mad Maynard: Them, too!
Scott: Yes... um, listen. Nosotros're trying to get to Berlin, Frg. Do you know if at that place'south a train coming someday shortly?
Tibor: Oh yes! Very soon! They are building information technology now!
[concluding lines]
Scott: [on the phone with Cooper and Jenny] Hold on, this must be my new roommate.
[Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there]
Cooper: [yelling over the phone] What'south the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he absurd? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Scott: I merely got your last electronic mail. What are y'all doing here?
Mieke: Going to college.
Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke: This 1. Room two-1-4.
Scott: How is this possible?
Mieke: I gauge they thought I was a guy.
Scott: Now who would be dumb plenty to brand a fault like that?
[Scotty and Mieke osculation]
Cooper: [over the telephone] Practice I hear kissing? Are y'all making out with your new roommate, Scotty?
[Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out]
Cooper: Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!
Light-green Fairy: [Green Fairy appears] This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy go laid? I'thou outta here!
[makes the words The End announced with his wand, flies abroad]
Donny: [singing] Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Dominicus. She tells him she'south in church, merely she doesn't go, still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know...
Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam and *Jamie's* the one who hooks up? For shame!
Jamie: The chateaus accept been there for iii hundred years. Mieke's gone in twelve hours.
Mad Maynard: [later hearing Scott's song] Pretty good. Pretty damn good lads!
Scott,Cooper: [seeing Jamie and Jenny making out] Oh, my God!
Green Fairy: That is some pretty fucked-upwards shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I practice terminal night?
Jamie: I spent the last four years tutoring the lacrosse players just to pay for it. And then nobody touches my photographic camera but me.
Cooper: Then it's like your wiener.
Jamie: No, it'southward not like my- Jenny!
Jenny: Cooper! Leave him alone.
Scott: There are and then many... penises.
Jamie: Frommer'southward tried to tell yous. But you simply didn't listen.
Cooper: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!
Scott: Information technology'southward the International House of Sausage!
Scott: Dear sweet mother of God... we're in Eastern Europe!
Scott: You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! Yous're a bad, bad Rastafarian.
Rasta Waiter: These are not hash brownies.
Scott: ...what was that?
Rasta Waiter: We practice non sell hash brownies hither, nosotros are simple Dutch baker! Now put your apparel back on, white male child!
[afterward seeing Scott at the Vatican on TV]
Bert: What a fucking loser, I'grand gonna videotape this.
Cooper: [sees girl angle over at a vending machine] Check it out! European ass.
Jenny: [straightens and turns around] What's upwardly?
Cooper: Oh Jesus, Jenny, I thought yous were some girl.
Scott: We're going to be couriers?
Cooper: Best fashion to go a cheap flight. We simply have to bear their packages, then driblet them off when we get there. My cousin did information technology going to Bharat.
Scott: Yes?
Cooper: Of class, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. Simply he got in that location cheap.
Bert: No, retardo. That Jan, a man's proper name, and that's non "Mike", it's Mieke, a mutual High german girl's name, like to our Michele."
Scott: Mieke, I'm hither!
Mieke: [walks forward with a smile] Who are you?
Bert: [mocking Scott] Fiona!
Scott: What the fuck is a zussamen?
Scott: So, have you lot guys decided where you're gonna go first?
Jenny: Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister Debbie met this really wealthy French guy, and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that but the about romantic thing yous've ever heard?
Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a lilliputian gay.
Jenny: It's not gay. I'chiliad a daughter.
Scott: Kinda gay.
Cooper: A trivial gay.
Scott: They really are the worst twins e'er.
[kickoff lines]
P.A. announcer: Congratulations. Hudson High course of 2004!
Tibor: My friends, where's the beef?
Cooper: Ha ha, look at Jamie's penis.
Jenny: So you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
Christoph: No, please Jenny, information technology is not like that. I likewise slumber with men.
[repeated line]
Scott: I am never drinking again.
Bert: No, retardo. That'southward Jan, a man'south proper noun, and that's not "Mike", it's Mieke, a common German language girl's proper name, similar to our Michelle.
[Cooper's ringtune goes off and information technology'due south 'Scotty Doesn't Know.']
Cooper: Oh... that'south me.
Cooper: Then who's Cristoff?
Jenny: I don't wanna talk nigh it.
[Takes bottle of alchoal and drinks it all]
Cooper: So how'due south Cristoff?
Jenny: I don't wanna talk about it.
[Takes bottle of alcohol and drinks it all]
Jenny: [furious that Jamie was mugged during oral sex] All of our money. Our passports! Our tickets! Everything! Gone!
Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all get to Amsterdam and Jamie's the one who hooks upward! For shame!
Cooper: Well, in that location's your R-rating right there.
Scott: Let me run across your phone.
Cooper: Okay, simply I'thou only supposed to use this for business concern calls.
Bert: I'k getting the video camera!
Cooper: This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst land on world.
Fiona: Scotty, it'southward non you, information technology's me... At that place I get, lying once again! No, information technology *was* you!
Donny: I did her on his birthday.
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0356150/quotes/qt0522954
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